2019 In a Nutshell - I Survived.

2 Weeks Postpartum with Onyx // 4th Trimester Bodies Project 

I keep seeing a post go around social media, asking people to "brag about something you did in 2019 that you're proud of". I really loved the idea of reflecting on the year and celebrating accomplishments, so I posted the same phrase on my own Facebook. It was great to hear all the wonderful things people experienced and as I was reflecting on my own 2019, I realized one of my greatest accomplishments was merely surviving.

Life after Onyx has been hard. Really hard. It's been over a year and I now have a living baby but my longing for Onyx is still there. In fact, sometimes it's even stronger now than it was in those first few months after he died. I didn't even know that was possible! Those first few months were incredibly difficult. And I mean really, really difficult. I didn't think I was going to survive. I didn't know how to survive when my baby died. Who does? Yet somehow, here I am.

One Month Postpartum with Lazuli // 4th Trimester Bodies Project

And sometimes I forget just how difficult those first few months truly were. While I wasn't necessarily suicidal, I definitely did not want to be living in a world without my baby.

As time has gone on and with these past few months of raising Lazuli, I've come to understand that living after loss is an active choice and one I have to make every. single. day. Even in the darkest moments, I've stayed. That's not everyone's story.

So if you're someone who has also been forced into a new normal without your baby, know you didn't "just" survive this year. There's nothing simple about surviving without your baby. Be proud of yourself. I know our babies would be.