Grief Diary: Wave of Light 2019 Reflections

Yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and in evening we participated in the annual International Wave of Light. As the event approached locally, I started to feel some heavy feelings.

Sometimes I feel like my posts don't fully showcase my grief, so I want to share more. If I kept a diary, here is what I would have wrote:


I'm angry that I have a special candle for Onyx that I made at a bereaved mother's day event. 

I'm angry that Onyx's name is included in displays with the names of other dead babies. 

I'm angry that Lazuli will know the tradition of honoring her brother by lighting a candle on this day every year. 

I'm angry that I only know about the Wave of Light because I searched hashtags like #miscarriage and #stillbirth. 

I'm angry that most of my family and friends don't care about lighting a candle today. 

I'm angry that babies die. 

I'm angry mine died. 

Anger is a normal, common response to loss and one that comes in waves for me. Some moments - such as last night - it hits especially hard.

I shouldn't have to light a candle for my baby. He should still be here.