Holiday Reflections | First Christmas After Loss

Christmas is over - THANK GOODNESS.

That was exhausting. But I survived.

How? I have no idea. The holiday hit me a lot harder than I thought it would but at the same time it wasn't as bad as I imagined - hard to explain but if you're a baby loss parent, you probably get it.

I kept thinking about how I should be 9 months pregnant. How I should be preparing for Onyx's arrival (he was due January 13, 2019). I had a lot of flashbacks of Onyx's birth and the chaos that surrounded it. It's been a pretty emotional month overall.

There were some good experiences though, for an example, I'm glad I allowed myself to "skip" things. Whether it be leaving early or just not going at all, I allowed myself the space to do what felt right for me. I'm also glad I encouraged myself to get out of the house even when I didn't want to. I think I managed to find balance between those two scenarios and that helped me get through the holiday season semi-put together.

There are a few things I'd like to do differently next Christmas though. I want to:

  • Plan #AdventForOnyx ahead of time. I managed to do something special for 25 days but I think planning activities ahead of time will make it flow easier. 
  • Think of something special to do with Onyx's stocking. Looking at his empty stocking at the end of the day was heartbreaking, to say the least. 
  • Connect with more baby loss families with exchanges, whether it be cards, ornaments. 
  • Do more classic holiday things, such as ice skating and looking at Christmas lights. I just didn't have the energy to do that stuff this year. 

That's it for this year's Christmas reflections. I hope next Christmas is kinder. 


  1. First, I want to say that I am so sorry for your loss, and I totally understand that this does not take away any of your pain, but I did want you to know that you writings have touched me and I am thinking of you.
    You did an beautiful job of reflecting on Christmas during this time, and I am glad you were able to reflect, as well as prioritize your needs during various Christmas activities. I love that you have thought forward to things for next year, and I hope that when Christmas rolls around next year you can find joy in Ice Skating & Christmas Lights and so much more.