First Holiday After Baby Loss | Halloween 2018 Reflections

It's important to me that I document all of the ups and downs of life after Onyx, holidays especially. I hope that one day I can look back at this post and think "it does get better" but for now, I'm not okay.

I didn't think Halloween would be a difficult day for me but it definitely was. Holidays are really family focused but I forgot about how child-centered Halloween is. I ended up having to avoid social media for most of the day because every time I blinked there was yet another photo of a baby in a cute little Halloween themed outfit, or a family wearing matching costumes, or someone painting a pumpkin on their pregnant belly. It was EVERYWHERE and the day felt so slow.

I spent Halloween thinking about how Onyx never got to grow up. We'll never teach him to say "trick-or-treat" or hide his candy so he doesn't eat it all in one day. We'll never know if he likes scary movies or what kinds of costumes he'd pick out.

People think baby loss is "not really that bad" because "you didn't even get to know them yet". But that's one of the worst parts. We lost memories of what could have been. We lost hopes and dreams. We lost a person who never got to celebrate a single holiday.

The fact of the matter is that every holiday is different now. It's no longer "I can't wait to do this!", it's now "we'll never get to do this." I don't want to be so negative but that's how my brain is processing loss. And it sucks, it really does.

Halloween is the first holiday since Onyx died. I don't know how to create new memories without him. I know I need to but it makes me so sad and angry because I shouldn't have to. I shouldn't have to decorate the shelf that my son's ashes are on as a way to celebrate him on Halloween. I shouldn't have to come up with ways to honor him because he should still be here.

We should be making memories with him, not for him.


  1. Brian from Two of a Mind here.

    I wanted to comment on this post because - while I don't feel the same pain you do - I understand how deeply it must cut you to carry it. As a mother it's hard to even dream of losing a child and I know some in my extended family have done just that. It's hard, unfathomably hard to cope with it and I'm sorry for your lost.

    I appreciate the fact you've shared this with us and I look forward to the future journey's you have. Continue to share your memories, continue to share your experiences knowing that people cherish them just as much as you do.

    Thank you for sharing, don't ever bottle it up!