The Parents Who Grieve in Silence

I am active with the baby loss community on social media and the community consists of a lot of storytelling - some people just vent on support groups, some post a photo every day. Regardless, there's a lot of sharing going on and I'm so grateful that these social media platforms exist for those of us who want to share.

But I want to talk about those in the baby loss community who don't really share their story.

I have gotten so many messages from other people who have experienced loss themselves and they say things like "you are so brave for sharing your story, I haven't been able to share mine".

I know that it may seem like I wouldn't understand what it means to grieve in silence - after all, I have a blog, Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram all dedicated to documenting my life after loss. But I didn't always grieve this way.

I did not share my two miscarriages with the world until after Onyx passed away. I've mostly grieved those two losses in silence. Mostly I was ashamed. I didn't want to be judged. I didn't want to hear "I'm sorry". I didn't want people to look at me differently.

Knowing what I do now, I would change some things but grieving in silence was the best thing I could do for me at the time. I needed to grieve in silence in order to survive.

 So if you're someone who is choosing to grieve in silence in order to survive, that is okay. I see you.

You get to choose how, when, if you share your story. You choose who gets to know your story and you're not obligated to share if you don't want to. If you want to share your story with one person but not another, that is okay. Your boundaries are important and they should be respected even if people don't understand them.

You are not a bad person for choosing to grieve in silence. It doesn't mean you're any less than the person who shouts their story from the rooftops. And don't feel ashamed for not sharing your baby - your baby is just as important as the babies whose names are attached to blogs or non-profits. You still matter, your baby still matters.

If you are someone who is being forced to grieve in silence - whether it be because you come from a culture, a generation or a family that doesn't support talking about trauma - I see you too. I'm sorry that you haven't been able to share your story even though you may want to. I hope that in the future you can have the time, space, love and support to grieve your loss out loud if that's what you need.

Silence does not mean that someone is "over it". Silence does not mean that "it must have not been that big of a deal". Every experience is valid and you are brave whether you share your story or not.


  1. A great post. I'm not one for grieving 'out loud', if I'm dealing with a loss I don't tend to tell anyone other than close family, I don't know if that can be a bad thing as sometimes it's helpful to have the support of others but everyone is different and all grieve in different ways.

    Chloe x

    1. I can totally resonate. I didn't feel a need to grieve my first two losses "out loud" at all, even though so many other people who had a miscarriage kept telling me that they liked the support. There's no right or wrong way to grieve <3