Remembering Onyx | Two Months Later

Two months ago today we said both hello and goodbye to our baby. I've been thinking a lot about what life would be like if Onyx was still here.

I'd be 29 weeks and 2 days pregnant, getting my Halloween costume together and planning my baby shower. Our apartment would probably be full of baby stuff by now. I'd probably be complaining about back pain and peeing every five minutes. Will would probably be annoyed with my most recent pregnancy craving but would get it for me anyway.

August 28th, 2018 - 20 weeks and 2 days pregnant with Onyx

I really miss being pregnant. My pregnancy with Onyx was difficult but I still miss it. I miss seeing him be so active on ultrasounds. I miss holding my belly and talking to him. I miss hearing the beautiful sound of his heartbeat. I miss how excited I was when I got to the 20-week mark.

The day I hit 20 weeks was such a special day. I had made it halfway through my pregnancy and that gave me hope that I was officially in the "safe zone". I had no idea Onyx would be born 4 days later. I had no idea I'd be going into November 2018 without a baby in my belly.

I really miss Onyx. Five months of pregnancy wasn't enough. Holding him for 27 hours wasn't enough. We didn't get enough time with him and I think about that every day. I don't have a choice.

Making sure Onyx is remembered has been both healing and exhausting. I wish I didn't have to make a blog but it's my way of mothering him. Every day I make an effort to share something about him. And every day I wonder what I'd be doing if he was still here.

He should still be here.


  1. Such an emotional post and I’m so sorry for your loss