Dear Grieving Parents: It's Okay to Okay

Disclaimer: Being "okay" means different things to different people but for me, and for the context to this post, "okay" means that you're in the floating moments of grief instead of the drowning ones.

I think we've all heard the "it's okay to not be okay" phrase at one point or another in our lives. It's said to let people know that you don't have to be strong all the time, that you're allowed to cry, be angry, confused. But did you know that it's okay to be okay too?

You see, I've been doing a lot better than I thought I would be. I'm not fully healed by any means, but I'm definitely in "recovery. I'm not crying 24/7. I'm able to leave the house sometimes. I can hear Onyx's name without getting negative flashbacks. I'm doing okay sometimes and at first, that was really confusing for me. I didn't understand why I could pass the baby aisle at Target without breaking into tears. I didn't understand why I could go to sleep and not have nightmares every night. I remember thinking "does this mean I'm over it?". It took me a while to realize, no, you're not "over it", you'll never be "over it", you're just doing okay at this specific moment and that's okay.

Grief, for me, isn't a day to day thing - it's literally minute to minute. Sometime's I'm drowning and sometimes I'm floating. When I'm floating I feel kind of okay. Not good, just okay.

It's okay if you like being around babies.

It's okay if you don't mind pregnancy announcements.

It's okay if you aren't always triggered by the same things as some other baby loss parents.

Being okay doesn't mean you aren't grieving the loss of your baby.

Being okay doesn't mean you're "all better".

You are allowed to laugh. You are allowed to smile.

Whether it's a day after your baby passed away or 20 years later, you're allowed to experience positive emotions.

You don't have to be constantly sobbing in order to be grieving. Grief isn't just tears, anger and being inside all day. Sometimes grief is smiling when you think about what your baby would have looked like or laughing when you think about how big your baby's feet were.

Joy and grief can coexist.

It's okay to be okay.


  1. I think you are amazing for creating a blog about your experiences. Grief is challenging in a lot of ways.
    I'm sorry for your loss.