Onyx's One Month Angelversary

Today is Onyx's one month anniversary. One month ago today I learned that love at first sight actually does exist. One month ago today I learned the pain of saying goodbye to the little boy who heard my heart beat from the inside. 

Today hasn't been as difficult as I imagined it would be but last night was rough. I didn't go to sleep until 4am and it was just one of those nights where grief completely took over. Thankfully I woke up feeling decent and have been able to do things to honor Onyx.

The first thing I did today was write thank you cards for the nurses who were at Onyx's birth (we coincidentally dropped the cards off around the same time I had arrived at the hospital in labor a month ago). I had to stand in line at the check-in desk and all of the people in front of me were there to visit babies in the NICU. I was reminded that I too should be signing in to see my baby but I pulled it together because while I'm so angry that I don't get to see my baby, I'm so happy that others get to be with theirs. Plus, something really special happened - the person at the front desk referred to me as a mom. While they had no idea that we lost our baby, I am so thankful for that person. It might seem so simple to those who haven't lost a child but as someone whose motherhood is defined by loss, it was a special moment. It's been a month since I've actually heard anyone refer to me as a mom out loud so it came as a surprise, but a good one that I think I really needed to hear.

After we got back home I went on a walk with my mom and picked a flower. Next to Onyx's ashes I have some flowers from my Grandma's funeral and I think I'm going to try and pick a flower each month during Onyx's first year to put next to hers.

Later, at 3:08PM (Onyx's birth time) I lit a candle and set it on the shelf we have dedicated to him. So far the shelf only has a few things but I hope to make a corner for him when we move to a bigger place. 

I want to do something special on the 30th of each month in honor of Onyx, even if it's just something small. To try and stay positive despite the chaos going on in our lives, in my brain and in my heart, I'm going to spend the rest of the day thinking of ideas for future angelversaries. 

Happy one month baby boy.