Grief Diary: A Month Ago Today I Was Still Pregnant

A month ago today I was sent home from the hospital and told to try and keep my baby inside for at least another 3 weeks. I felt completely powerless and doctor's didn't really give me any hope. My cervix was dilated to at least 1cm and the amniotic sac was bulging out. I was told there was nothing I could do but wait. I was terrified to move, terrified to pee, terrified to eat. I just kept thinking how at any moment my baby could die inside me. A month ago today was the last night that I went to sleep pregnant with Onyx.

After Onyx was born I apologized to him a lot. I told him how sorry I was that I couldn't keep him inside for longer, how sorry I was that my body was making him come out before he was ready. I had a mental image of him inside the womb during labor being very confused about what was happening. I imagined him being scared and trying to keep himself inside even though my body was pushing him out. Tonight I am trying to think of things in a more positive light - maybe Onyx wasn't scared or confused, maybe he was excited and thought "I get to meet my family early!". I hope he was happy and that he didn't feel any pain. I hope he felt loved and that being placed on my chest was calming for him.

Grief is hard. The pain is constant but the really scary parts come in waves. Sometimes I don't know if I'll be able to survive this but then I think about Onyx and I know he wouldn't want me to be sad. I know parts of me will always be sad - a literal piece of me is missing - but Onyx gives me hope that I can continue on.

If you're reading this and you're struggling through something right now, I hope you know you can (and should) continue on too.